I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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