Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
