I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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