he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
