I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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