I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I am one with the molecules
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
