yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
