i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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