everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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