How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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