i think my tv is drunk
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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