Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
