Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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