i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
