I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize