im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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