god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
