I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
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