I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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