Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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