All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i dont even know how to be here
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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