Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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