Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
