I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
