We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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