I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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