i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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