I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Its about making memories worth repressing
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
