making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
