So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
