Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
