I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
