no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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