My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
