Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
