If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
