Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
