ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
