You just made me feel so damn special
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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