Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You ruined the universe
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
