what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
