Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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