All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
