Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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