Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
