i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This baby is an asshole
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
