I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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