I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
COCAINE IS GR8
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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