Do you still have your period?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
