Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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