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best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
