Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
