Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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