No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
