ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I want her autograph on my taint
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
