I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
