I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
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Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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