why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
